It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
That is, unless you have a strained relationship with your extended family; are on the brink of divorce; have lost someone close to you recently or around this time of the year; are experiencing financial difficulties; have an eating disorder; an alcohol disorder or more.
The sad fact is, for many people, the holiday season is a time of increased stress and anxiety. In fact, according to the American Psychological Association, 41% of US adults experience a spike in their stress levels, 43% said that this stress hampers their ability to enjoy the season, and 36% say it “feels like a competition.”
The pressure of expectation
For many of the above situations, there is one reason that the holiday season feels more difficult to deal with than other times of the year. It comes down to expectation.
This could be because we expect it to be a time of increased joy and feel pressure to deliver on this expectation for the family. Alternatively, we may expect there to be conflicts around the dinner table and approach the situation with our defenses up.
While there is no one solution to this, being aware of the expectations – and the associated pressures – can help you to develop tactics to cope.
Financial difficulties
A recent survey found that 46% of Americans still have holiday debt from last year. If you continue this cycle of debt, the feeling of stress will just increase. So, what can you do?
Instead of taking out another credit card or getting further into debt, instead work on changing expectations. After all, the season is about spending time with your family and loved ones.
Be honest about your budget and begin setting expectations as soon as possible. By simply letting your loved ones know in advance, you can save yourself a lot of stress during the holidays and afterwards.
High-emotion gifts
For families, there are also many gifts that you can give your children that prioritize building relationships over financial value. One example of this is to offer homemade “experience coupons” that can be redeemed throughout the year. Create a scavenger hunt throughout the house, where the children find presents like “a family picnic in the spring” – which the child can redeem when the time comes.
You could also include value items, like a trip to the cinema or bowling alley, that allow you to spread out the cost throughout the year. By putting conditions on the gifts, you can make it seem like a game – while giving yourself room to treat your family in a financially responsible manner.
Avoiding family conflict
If you are expecting high levels of family conflict, the sooner you are able to act, the better. Again, this is about setting expectations and finding a compromise that works for everyone.
Call a family meeting
Before the holiday, try talking to family members to set clear boundaries. Begin by talking about how tensions got high the previous year and asking for suggestions to ensure that this year is more fun for all.
Recruit an ally
If you’re feeling anxious and don’t feel comfortable talking to the entire family, try to find at least one person to confide in. Having someone who understands your worries and can help you during the day can be invaluable.
Find alone time
Don’t feel you need to be with your family the entire day. Look for ways to escape and recharge. This could be offering to collect the dishes or other small chores as a way to get away from the table for a moment, or going for a walk alone after the meal.
Dealing with loss
For families that are dealing with the loss of a loved one, the expectation of seasonal joy sharply contradicts the reality of the situation. We imagine the alternative, where the person was still with us, and the shadow of this joy leaves us feeling hollow.
The pain of losing someone is exceptionally tough, but there are still ways to cope with it. One approach is to turn the day into a celebration of that person. Instead of the traditional meal, cook that person’s favorite meal. Take out photos and remember their life and the memories you had with other loved ones.
No matter what you do, it will be difficult, but by celebrating the person’s life and what they meant to you, it’s possible to include them in the day – even if they are absent.
Children and the holidays
The holiday season can be difficult for children, even with the best will in the world on the part of the adults. It can be hard for us to remember just what it’s like to be at different stages of maturity and the effects our words and actions can have.
Here are some common scenarios and what you can do to help.
Comments from family members
Sometimes family members (whether close family or extended family) can make inappropriate comments to children. Many of us have memories of that aunt, uncle, grandmother, cousin, or whoever else saying something about our weight, appearance, or something else we’re sensitive about.
As an adult, it is your job to call out other adults who do this. Ideally, you would do this beforehand – if you suspect it may happen – but also make sure to speak up for the child the moment it happens. If the child appears nervous or anxious, don’t make a scene. Ask to talk to the adult in question in private, and then reassure the child in a space that they feel comfortable.
Give the child tools to cope
If you have a child who is nervous in general or is suffering from some kind of mental health issue, make sure to give them the tools and permission to deal with the situation. Saying things like “if you feel overwhelmed, you are allowed to leave the room for a few minutes” lets them know that they can remove themselves without being scolded. This can relieve anxiety even if they don’t choose to go.
Alternatively, you can help them build a coping box, which they can use according to their situation.
Provide options for activities and games
It is common to play family games during the holiday season, but it’s important to remember that certain games can be a source of anxiety for children. If a child has a physical impairment, they may feel uncomfortable with any kind of running game. If they have a speech impediment, fast-paced games (like Taboo) might make them feel uncomfortable.
By having a range of options that highlight different strengths, you can find games that suit the occasion and avoid unnecessary stress for children.
Prioritize connecting with others
Above all else, it’s important to prioritize connection over everything else this holiday season. The point isn’t to spend the most money, prove why your political opinion is correct, or magically overcome whatever issues plague you throughout the year.
By taking time to understand your situation and prepare for the challenges, you can instead focus on enjoying it for what it is – shared time with those closest to you.
Your mental health challenges won’t take a vacation, but through honest reflection and proper planning, you may just be able to take a vacation from them.
And remember, self-care isn’t just a holiday gift. For professional support throughout the year, get in touch with us at Mental Health America of Illinois or info@mhai.org. For Emotional Support, Suicide or Crisis Situations, call or text 988 to reach a mental health professional 24 hours per day, 7 days a week, even on holidays.
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