It wasn’t just an animal – it was a companion: Dealing with the loss of a pet

Watch Dr. Nancy Curatto in a webinar about pet loss grief.

The connection between humans and animals can be as strong – if not at times stronger – than connections between humans. In terms of mental health, these bonds can be lifesaving. 

We spoke in the past about the idea of support pets, which can provide a source of “connectedness, reassurance and normalcy” for people who are suffering from grief. The relationship between people and their pets is generally speaking positive, healthy, and fulfilling. 

However, there is a flipside to this because, as we know, the more you love, the more it hurts when that love ends. When talking about pets, the majority of the animals we tend to adopt have shorter lifespans than our own. 

In other words, barring extenuating circumstances, the owner will generally experience the loss of their pet. 

Dr. Nancy Curatto and pet loss

For people who have never owned pets, there is sometimes a feeling that losing a pet is sad, but “not that big a deal”. But anyone who has owned a pet knows that this simply isn’t true. 

Dr. Nancy Curatto is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, who, in her own words has “found space to become a specialist in grief education, specifically bringing to light and normalizing the grief that one feels when they lose a beloved pet.”

In a recent seminar, hosted by Morayo Orija from Mental Health America of Illinois, Dr. Curatto spoke about this topic of pet loss and the deep emotional response it can elicit. 

She says, "Pet loss is a natural and often profound emotional response. It can occur when a pet dies, but it also occurs when life circumstances happen – housing changes that don't support pets, family transitions such as migration, or political transitions where pets are left behind."

A valid emotional response

What’s important to realize is that intense responses to these situations are normal and entirely valid. As Dr. Curatto says: 

"For many people, it's more than an animal. They are our companions, family members, or siblings. They are often a source of unconditional positive regard and acceptance. Pets offer us comfort; they are the non-judgmental beings in our family. They are happy when we’re in our worst mood and happy if we’re grumpy. Their presence helps us manage our stress. They don't need our words; they just need our presence."

This is why, when we lose a pet for whatever reason, “we grieve the loss of routine, structure, and familiarity. Research shows that losing a pet, that grief is as profound or equally profound as losing a family member or a spouse."

The "Polycrisis" and the Memory of Grief 

One of the reasons that, according to Dr. Curatto, the experience of losing a pet can be so strong because of something called “polycrisis”. Dr. Curatto explains this as being “compointing stressors” where “a pet’s loss can awaken early childhood traumas, losses, or attachment wounds."

She goes on to explain that when we experience a new wave of grief and trauma, it awakens something in our nervous system, a memory of grief. 

How to overcome the grief of pet loss

If the loss of a pet is not just valid but demonstrably exceptionally difficult for individuals, it stands to reason that we must develop tried and tested approaches to help mitigate and deal with that grief. 

This is where Dr. Curatto offers a number of suggestions in this regard. 

Phantom sounds and sightings

Sometimes, when we are suffering from loss, our mind can play tricks on us. As Dr. Curatto explains: 

"People experience phantom sounds or phantom sightings... it’s just your brain trying to make sense that they’re not here. It's not a sign of illness; it’s your nervous system adjusting to the absence."

If this happens, we can employ a technique called the “Butterfly Hug.” which is where you acknowledge the moment, realizing that you do indeed miss your pet. As Dr. Curatto says it is simply an act of “making room for treasured memories."

Learning to shift the narrative

Another approach we can take is to consciously shift the narrative from one of loss and grief to one of loving memories. 

As Dr. Curatto says, "Our pets leave us a 'love account.' Every day they're in our life, they deposit love. When they're gone, we have full access to that memory bank." She further explains it as, "At this moment, your pet has already passed. Right now, you're not learning to live without them; we're learning to live with their memory."

There are a number of resources to help people understand and employ this technique properly. For example, for those who are more scientifically minded, you can read about the “Continuing Bonds” theory here, which helps you maintain a healthy relationship with a deceased pet. 

Writing letters to your pets

Another resource called “Letters to Pushkin” allows pet owners to write letters to their pets as a way of “withdrawing” from the love account they have been building with memories. This is something that Dr. Curatto endorses, saying “ "Writing a letter to your beloved pet or creating a small memorial space does not end your relationship. It gives it a place to rest for now. These rituals help you grieve without regret by honoring the specific bond you shared."

By engaging in these rituals, we provide our nervous system with a "sense of completion" that helps mitigate the distress of the polycrisis, allowing the relationship to transform from a physical presence into a lasting, peaceful internal connection.

Dr. Nancy Curatto

Healing is a shared journey

Losing a pet is a significant mental health event, and you don’t have to navigate the "waves" of grief in isolation. By validating your pain and utilizing tools like grounding and ritual, you honor the profound bond you shared with your companion.

At Mental Health America of Illinois, we are dedicated to ensuring that every form of grief is met with compassion rather than judgment. Whether you are finding comfort in your "love account" or seeking out a community that understands your loss, remember: your bond was real, and your healing matters.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can start with a free, private mental health screening from MHAI. Alternatively, you can visit our resource page to find Illinois-based grief specialists.