This article is based on an MHAI podcast interview, which you can listen to here.
Empathy allows us to put ourselves into another person’s shoes and experience emotions that don't directly impact us. It is, arguably, one of the most important human abilities that has allowed us to develop a more just society – and it’s what continues to push us as we strive to be better.
And yet, for all its power, empathy has its limitations. When we see someone going through a difficult time, the emotions that we feel can only ever be a shadow of the real experience.
When it comes to supporting people affected by the most extreme situations, outside empathy can only take us so far. This is why many healing groups are made up of those who have experienced similar events, as care based on lived experiences provides a deeper sense of connection alongside empathy. It’s also why so many groups are available to help veterans who return from war with mental health problems.
Adrift without support
What happens, however, if you experience a highly traumatic but relatively rare event and you don’t know where to turn?
This was the exact situation that Michael Vinton, Tina Chevalier, and Kristina Faulkner faced separately, when a close family member committed a murder followed by suicide. The cases took place in different parts of the country in different years: Michael lost his brother and mother-in-law in 2020, Tina lost her brother in 2021, and Kristina lost her parents in 2023.
These were separate, unconnected events, but ones that would link the three of them together with a unique but tragic bond.
Searching for help
Before they found each other, Michael, Tina, and Kristina felt adrift. Michael, who lives in California and places a lot of value in community, took it upon himself to find support.
“I started Googling it, looked for books, but couldn’t find many resources,” he says. “I went to a suicide support group (...) and was able to deal with the suicide part.” However, he also says “there was compartmentalizing” and it was difficult for him to share that it was a murder-suicide loss.
Kristina shares that she had similar reservations about attending separate support groups for individuals affected by murder and suicide.
“If I went to a suicide group, it didn’t feel like I honored my mom,” Kristina says. But “if I went to a homicide group, it felt like I didn’t honor my father.”
Having to find your own way
The problem of murder-suicide is not as rare as we might believe. Some studies estimate that there are as many as 10 suicides a day in the US, others put the figure at 20.
Kristina, however, is doubtful of the official statistics as many murder-suicide cases are reported incorrectly as murder cases.
“We don’t know how true it is as it doesn’t get classified correctly,” Kristina explains. “If it isn’t determined to be a murder suicide in that instant, then it doesn’t get classified correctly.”
The main reason for this is because the suicide can often happen later, whether days, weeks, months, or even years. As a result, you have a murder case and then a separate suicide case, but they are for all intents and purposes separate.
The effect of misclassification
The problem with misclassification is that there are not many resources available. Many therapists simply aren’t trained to deal with such specific and multi-faceted trauma.
Kristina, who is herself a licenced coach and therapist, explains that the traditional grief model doesn’t apply with murder-suicide, especially when both parties involved are close, well-loved family members.
“There is so much pain and guilt that people don’t understand. It’s like getting hit by a ton of bricks, then pushed off a cliff, then into a pit of despair where you sit for a long time with shame and guilt. Eventually you reach the summit, but there’s never a moment of acceptance like the normal model.”
Finding your people
Michael had almost given up hope that he would find a group that was right for him when he decided to Google it just one more time.
This time he had some luck, and found a support group, which Tina Chevalier was also a part of. For the first time, they had a group that was based on a stronger form of empathy – that of shared lived experiences.
Michael and Tina became committee members and, as part of their roles, they did intake calls for the group. This is how Michael met Kristina.
“I was instantly drawn to her,” he says, and was excited that she was a licensed professional. Not long after, Michael and Tina decided they wanted to take the group to a new level.
“When Michael decided he wanted to do more, I was happy,” Tina explains. “Then when Kristina came on board, I thought, could it get any better?”
Impacted Survivors: Offering professional, empathetic support
This is how they founded Impacted Survivors. While the first group they attended was instrumental in offering support, it was entirely peer-led, which “can be triggering at times,” according to Kristina.
The fact is, with a subject such as this, you need a specialist to be involved. What’s more, there is simply no one-size-fits-all approach that works. Tina, who is the group’s research guru, has found that there are over 40 types of muder-suicide situations.
This is why a huge array of resources are needed, from group sessions to books to podcasts. They are “different avenues to get to people in different ways,” as Kristina puts it.
Have you been affected by murder-suicide?
Above all, Michael, Tina, and Kristina want to help others avoid being faced with an unimaginably difficult situation without support. They have begun offering police officers cards to give to victims or close survivors to get the help they need.
If you have been affected by this issue at all, you can contact them at any time via their website.
As Tina explains, “There’s a contact form on the website. There’s also a private Facebook group and an Instagram page. We jump on a Zoom call to see if they want to do a 10 week course. Take the first step, we’re here to catch you.”
Your stories, your memories, your loved ones
Cases like these can attract substantial media attention, much of which can be inaccurate and particularly painful for the survivors to read.
The act of murder-suicide is perhaps uniquely difficult to grasp from the outside. Initial, human reactions range from horror to confusion and everything in between. With no personal tie to the situation, it is easy for us as outsiders to paint a picture with broad brushstrokes in black and white.
There was a murder and suicide. There was a victim and a perpetrator.
But for those close survivors, it is not that simple, especially when you are dealing with people who played such an important role in shaping who you are today.
“My parents had a beautiful love story for 50 years,” Kristina maintains. “We were the three musketeers and I want to continue to honor them. They were wonderful parents and grandparents. We’re never going to let my father’s final act define who they were.”
Michael and Tina offered similar sentiments, looking to honor their family members and remember what made them special to them. “Every day, he’s there, urging you to keep going,” Tina says, while Michael says, “I try to bring my brother with me everywhere.”
Comments